broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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