I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
