I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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