well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize