Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
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You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
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He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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