The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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