AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
