How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Define "chronic" masturbator.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
