If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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