just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
