He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
