the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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