i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
