I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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