so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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