I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
