I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
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