Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
