I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
