I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
