LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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