Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
