my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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