Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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