My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I have tasted many bathrooms
Why is there bacon in the couch?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
