no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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