Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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