Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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