My hand turned me down
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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