If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
