i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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