My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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