just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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