Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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