Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
