I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
