I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
