She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
