Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
it was like eating out sand paper
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
