I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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