I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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