I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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