cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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