i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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