Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
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There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
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Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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