So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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