I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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