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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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