Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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