checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
