A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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