i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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