I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake