so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.