Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?