you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
