Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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