sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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