remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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