you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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