i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
