Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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