I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
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