between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
